How to cope with multiple losses in life

Well, hey everybody and welcome back to Qualified,the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton.Have you ever met someone who just seems to smile in the face of adversity?Do you sometimes wonder how people can keep a good attitude?Even when you know, they've been through really hard stuff? When you know their story, and you just know there's no way you could walk in their shoes? How do they do it? What's their secret to persevering in the face of adversity and loss?Well, my guest today is one of those people. You'll love her positive attitude. And you'll be interested to learn that she too has been through some of life's most difficult trials. She managed to take her misery and turn it into her ministry. And today, she's supporting other people who need hope and inspiration. She's a speaker and a personal coach, a licensed minister, and the co founder of Alliance Seminars, a veteran-owned faith-based organization that provides clients with motivational speaking, coaching services and certified workshops. Her name is Veronica Williams, and it's my great honor to have her on the show today. Welcome to Qualified, Veronica.

Thank you for having me, Michelle. I'm glad to be here.

Of course. Well,Veronica, when you and I first met and you shared your story, I right away started thinking about all the questions I wanted to ask you. Because I really believe people want to know what goes on in the mind of someone who holds it together so well when tough things come out. And so with that said, let's start at the beginning. Tell us about that time in your married life when you were longing to have a child. But sadly, you experienced two miscarriages.How did losing two babies affect you and your husband? And how did you process your feelings and your grief?

Wow.That's really packed.So to start out, when my husband and I first got married, we said, oh, we don't want to have children. We're good. We're just the two of us. And so probably about five years into our marriage, maybe less than that.We decided, You know what I think we want we want to have a kid. And as we did decide to do so the first pregnancy that I had, I was far along, I was getting close to the trimester.And we found out that the first baby was going to have a chromosome13, which is a chromosome that will not allow the baby to develop and grow to thrive in life period. And if the baby did live, it will cause me perhaps my life. So as a result, we lost our baby. The second pregnancy was a at home miscarriage. And again, very difficult, very shocking in this case, because I actually just thought I was just having pains throughout the night. Braxton Hicks the contractions and so I had gotten up and lo and behold, the event occurred. And my husband immediately called 911. They came, they took me, my husband,he wrote with me in the ambulance and dealt with that for several hours. I think he was more worried about how is she doing? You know, both times?How's she doing? Is she okay? He was more worried about me and his adrenaline pumped in that he wasn't thinking about himself at that point.

Veronica, I am so very sorry for the loss of your two babies. And when you were describing both situations, my heart was breaking for you because you were so happy to finally be pregnant. And then you had to face a reality that your children would not live.And again, I am so sorry. And of course your husband was worried about you. He loves you and He knows that you're traumatized by all of this. So tell us why you wanted to make the point that he wasn't thinking about himself during this painful time.

Because I realized this wasn't both miscarriages weren't really about me. And so often, people gravitate to the woman and not the man. Neither of our pain weighed heavier than the other But I made sure that I was there to be the support that my husband needed. And to make sure that he was able to process his feelings, his grief, his disappointment, and both like I was going through. And we did that by processing together,talking, communicating. So often, couples that go through miscarriages or a loss of a child, it draws them apart. But we were intentional didn't know it. But we were intentional to make sure that each other was okay. And was going to handle it and that we didn't go through any mental anguish or anything that will keep us stuck in our mind to move forward. We knew that we were going to have to move forward. But we had to stay in that for a little bit of time. We call it a little season wasn't long, just to process at all.

Yeah, yeah. Well,thanks for sharing that. And I think it's great that the two of you were able to support each other. And you told me that eventually, you were able to carry a baby to term and that you were ready to deliver, went to the hospital. And then that day, you receive some devastating news. What happened?

Yes, so I was able to get pregnant again, I had a wonderful doctor that told me you're gonna have this baby,there's a certain procedure that they have out there now. And as a result, I carried my baby to term I had to be on bed rest,but I carried my babysitter. So there was some joy in that.However, the day that I went into the hospital, I didn't really know. But I called my mom. I said, Oh, they just gave me my pertussis. We're about to be here. But my mom wasn't as excited as she normally is. I just chalked it up to maybe it was a three hour time difference. It was very early in the morning, her time me not thinking with the excitement,like I'm actually here, didn't really focus in on my it's done to me. And I told my husband, I said, my mom didn't sound like herself. So I don't know what's happening, you know? And he didn't know either. He said,Well, don't worry about it.Let's just focus on the baby.Let's just focus on you right now get your rest. You know,we're here now is like five o'clock in the morning. What are the whole day and I really didn't talk to any family. That whole day, I did not talk to any family. When I thought about trying to talk to somebody, my husband would say you need to rest our no one really called me. I think when it probably got too long. I was there from five in the morning. And it was almost eight o'clock. And I actually delivered at 940. I think my husband probably called one of my family members to say you need to call her and talk to her, just you know, don't stay long. Just talk to her. So she couldn't get settled, because she's not settled right now before and she's about to deliver. So I actually talked to a family member, so they kind of pushed me off the phone. But of course, I'm in the mindset. I didn't think anything of it. But I was at a point where the doctor came in, he told my husband, he said she still hasn't delivered. It's nine o'clock at night and she hasn't dilated. He said we're gonna do a C section. And in that moment,the room lit up. I'm a woman of faith. And what I saw was my sister and Jesus on top of her.And I heard my sister and Jesus kind of confirm that every birth has a little pain. And in that moment, when I heard that, I squeezed my husband's hand and I told him, I'm going to push I'm not going to have a C section.And the doctor was like, Are you serious? I mean, she is close.But women don't normally do that. We got to do the C section. I was like, I'm not doing a C section. I'm gonna push. And that's what I did. I pushed and we had our son, our oldest son. So of course I'm resting. The next day in the morning. My husband takes my phone and like why I was gonna call my family he was like, No,don't call them yet. You know, I already called and let them know they're gonna just they just want you to rest today don't don't call so that kind of settled me but it didn't settle me. But later on in the day, we had some visitors are pastor and our associate pastor's wife came to visit. And I was like, Wow,that's great that they came to visit that's really interesting.They drove all the way out of here because we were like an hour and something away from my home. And the moment that I see that the associate pastor takes the baby, the pastor positions herself near me. My husband comes he grabs my hand. And he said I have some news to tell you. And they told me that my sister had passed away I guess I went silent. My pastor waited a while and she said, how are you?What are you thinking because I was silent. But in that silence,I just prayed. I knew my sister was a believer. So that kind of helped me. I was disappointed because she and I had talked the day before for hour and a half.And she said she was coming on January 16. And I realized that my balloon had just gotten burst that she wasn't going to be coming. But the thing that I said to my pastor is because I was praying in my silence, they didn't know what was going on.It was like, okay, oh, my goodness, I was praying. And I told her, it was well with my soul. And the reason why I was well with my soul was because I spent a year before I got married, I live with my sister and my brother in law, we got really close. Her life changed tremendously in serving and believing in God, she already was a believer, but now she put her faith to work. And I had that time with parents. And so that was my comfort, and knowing that it was well with my soul,because I knew that she was a believer, and I knew where she was going, Hmm.

Well, I've got to ask you all these questions that are going through my mind, you know,you talked about hearing from God. And for a lot of people,that's a foreign concept. Can you explain to us what it means to you to hear from God, and how you believe you were able to get to that place in your spiritual life, where you could recognize that it was actually God's voice.

Over the years, I've always been serving that I've always been actively involved.But most importantly, when you talk about hearing God, or whatever I had, I had a relationship with Him. And it was the relationship that connected me to hearing his voice. Now, we're, unbelievers are believers, it's just you can do it. But you can hear his voice by reading a regular book.Because sometimes books have a message, or either the Bible,there's always other opportunities, it can be music,or it can be through some comforting words from other people. And so those are the ways that I love to hear God. So we can always hear him, it's just are we in tune, to have our ears open and not even sometimes our heart, open to hear something that will comfort us?

Well, that's good. I like that you gave actual real applications, real ways that people can do that and test that out. And I think that's wonderful. And I mentioned when I introduced you that you had the quote, in your bio, that your misery can produce your ministry, and I thought that was so interesting. Can you talk about what that meant in your life and how other people listening can understand it for their lives?

Yes, when you look at the word misery, you can look at it in so many different ways.But let's just for my sake, I looked at misery as my pain, the disappointment, the issue, the concern that I was going through, and out of all of that I had to not be a woe is me. And I had to find things that was going to help me get through my pain. And as a result, I discovered that my going through could possibly help someone else. Let me be in tune to how I'm going to get through this so that I can help someone else that is going through. And so that's how your misery or your pain, or something traumatic in your life, helps you birth out a ministry and ministry is really just the word service. Right?And when we look at service is help, so just helping someone else. So my pain and losing my children and losing my sister.It allowed me to relate to other people who may go through a loss. But the caveat there is everyone's lost loss is different based on the relationship that they have. So staying away from words like I know how you feel. I felt like that to our words that we don't say to someone that has lost.You just comfort them to say it's okay to feel the way that you feel and embrace this process for the journey. because it's a journey, and we don't know how long we're gonna stay there. But what I can tell you is that I have been in your place where I have lost. And today, I have some joy. So you is all about getting through the process, and every phase of loss or grief. On the other side,there is some joy and there is some help is how I dealt with it, and how I share that with others.

Yeah, and it's always so inspirational to hear from another person who's on the other side of it, and who's been through many years. And they're still able to keep persevering because then it just inspires you, I can do this too. So

and the thing about it is, we don't only just go through one, one last one hurt one disappointment, and that's it. These, when we go through that first one, it is the onset of helping us learn some coping skills, or coping mechanisms,realizing that we're not by ourselves and realizing that there are resources there. It's a matter of choosing to use those resources. Yeah, that helps you to get to where we are years later of, of our lives.

Yeah. And I'm sure you're like me, you probably would have never imagined in a million years that you could have handled something like this if it were to happen. But God kind of prepares us like you said, and we get through it. We manage it. People say I don't know how you do it, but you do it. You know, it's hard to think of something else coming. But you're right, where to expect loss. And in this life, we're going to talk eventually, about how you're using your ministry.But I want to know right now what evidence you've had in your life, that God is real. And that faith can actually carry us through the hard times.

Every trial, every tribulation that I've gone through that the evidence, and the reason why is the evidence is because even losing my sister, I told you, my husband had to call in other people to help him deliver the news. My family was 3000 miles away, no one was here to get to me close enough. And they were afraid for me because they knew how close I was with my sister. And they knew that we had had that conversation that day before. So they knew we had hoped they knew that we were looking forward to the joy and all of that. So they really didn't know how I was going to take the news. But I took it better than they they could. And that I think even for my husband. That was the first time when he really not only to having the miscarriages. But I think that was the first time or one of the first times where he really saw that my faith comes to life in my life. And that it really is what carries me through it is one that gave me a gave me strength to overcome any hurdle in my life. And trust me.I've had many, and I am just I'm just the living evidence that there is a God, and that God does come through and see about you. Because I'm standing today,there's been so many ways that you could have probably not been here. But there's been so many ways, on the evidence that he is a healer, a deliverer and a person that sets you free from any bondage.

Amen. Yeah, you're right about that testing of our faith. It sure does refine us and make us stronger. But it can go the other way too. So I'm glad that it didn't for you,Veronica. Is there a scripture any particular scripture in the Bible that kept you focused on God, especially when things were getting difficult? And why is that scripture relevant to you?

Yes, what kept me and what we express with our babies when we send thank you cards for all the gifts, the flowers, and all of that to everyone that shared and supporting us in the process and any expressions over the years was Romans 8:28. And that is for those that don't know, that is located in the New Testament of the Bible. And the scripture reads, and we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose. What does that mean? That even though this might not be a good time for me,or maybe a sorrowful time, God is working it out. I don't know what's gonna they're in. But the God that I put my faith and trust in, he's gonna work it out. And then I, how do I know he's gonna work it out? Because I was called according to His purpose, and how are you called according to His purpose being born, the birth that my mom gave me. And then when I found out about who Jesus is, accepting him as my personal Lord and Savior, allowed me to be under the umbrella laws that are called according to His purpose.And so I have to live my life as a woman of faith, and a woman of trusting God, and a woman who is willing to share the Lord with others, and to be willing to serve as he did.

Thank you for breaking it down for us that way, because that's really helpful to understand. Those are not just words, they are meaningful words in Scripture. Yes, Romans 8:28.And I'm thinking about a woman who's listening right now, who might be in the position you were in who have a miscarriage or two, you know, and they're feeling really down. Maybe they're even a believer, maybe they're not, what would you say to that woman to encourage her right now?

I'm going to tell you,I would say to the woman, what I heard when I had my miscarriages, and the many women after I gave my testimony about having a miscarriage the first time. And that is, you're only in your storm for as long as you allow yourself to be. And what does that mean? For me, God said, I have no limits. When you're ready. I am, I am here.And the other portion of what helped me in knowing is the thought that I heard about this,the sooner I turn it over to God, the sooner the healing process can start. So we have to learn to release our pain to God, and walk through it.Because it don't leave you but walk through it. And trusting him to get you through day by day. And then be open to the people around you that are genuinely there to support you receive the help receive all that you need. And then for a person that is dealing with someone that is going through the loss. Sometimes you don't have to go there with a whole lot of words, perhaps taking a meal, some flowers, and just say, I'm here, just so that you know, I'm just gonna be out you don't have to talk. I just want you to know I see you and I'm present. I'm not here to talk. I just want you to know that you're not alone. And I'm here.Yeah.

Very comforting. Yeah,thanks for that. I'm sure that's going to help somebody. So I appreciate that. In your coaching and speaking experiences, have you seen others began to turn their lives around and trusting God? And because I know that that's,that's a goal that you have. Can you give us an example of one of those situations?

Yes, working with different people and talking to different people. Yes, they have turned turn their lives around.I remember going through what I was going through in my life, I had a co worker come to me, and she said, Can you meet me in the bathroom? And I said, okay,because I could see her face and she's just crying. And she said,I know that you are a believer.And I want to accept the Jesus that you believe in. Can you pray for me? And how do I receive him? And I pray with her for the prayer of salvation. And I even went a little further because she didn't live too far from me. I showed her a church where she can go and receive more not just for today but that would help her on a daily basis or further weekly basis if she wanted to go

Yeah, that's important. And it's wonderful that she saw Jesus in you because you're living

out yes because I'm I was on a job and I was going through but I every day I think what mess them up. The more is that everyday they probably You wanted to deal with me. But I always went in with joy and a smile, my energy, I don't know,my sister is always a YouTube hybrid for me. But no matter how I'm going through, because God always, you know, you may not agree with how people treat you,but you know, they treated Jesus bad. And he never said a mumbling word. And so what you're going to do is you submit those people to Him in prayer,and you keep it moving.

Well, I like that you said that it was modeling Jesus's behavior to you, which turned out to be a wonderful testimony. Veronica, throughout our discussion, you've we've done some really good lessons about adversity and loss. And I want to summarize here, you talked about discerning the voice of God, and told us that we can sometimes sense it through reading a book, or reading scripture, through words of comfort from other people or for music, if we're open to hearing from him. You said that when you experienced your own adversity, you realize that you are now equipped to help other people through what you learned.And you pointed out the hard reality, that we don't just experience a single loss in our lives, but that will have multiple losses over the course of our lives. And that each one gives us coping skills that will help us survive the next one.You said that we're only in our storm for as long as we allow ourselves to be, and that we have God to turn to and lean on in difficult times. You told us that the sooner we release our pain to God, the sooner the healing process can start. You explain the New Testament passage in Romans chapter eight,verse 28, about how God works all things for good for those who love Him, and who are called according to His purpose. And you encouraged us to trust those words, and believe that he will work it out. Veronica, what other lessons have you learned from your life experiences with grief and loss? Can you share with someone listening who needs hope right now,

the big life lesson that I learned through the pain or the loss or anything that I've gone through is that it's not going to last long. And there is a process and just hold out for the process, and realize that there is either a blessing on the other side. And then there's healing on the other side. I recently lost a family member. Actually, it was recently my mom several weeks ago, my sister who passed away,her husband passed away. And so I was able to go home. And it was nothing but the grace of God that allowed me to officiate his burial. And one of the things that I told everyone there, and I will tell anyone, because it's how I dealt with it is think of a fond memory that had a lasting effect on you by that person.Because you're part of their legacy. Whenever you're going through and you're thinking about that person, let that memory come to life, as well as pray that God will help you get through the void you're left with. Yeah. Yeah, from that individual. utilize resources around you and people.Organizations are other sources that are positive, positive resources. And don't give up before the blessing or the healing takes place. Hang in there. You got that.

Amen. Well, Veronica,I will put a link in the show notes to your website so listeners can learn more about you and the services you offer.Thank you so much for agreeing to be my guest on the show today. It was a pleasure to meet you and to hear your story.

Oh, thank you so much,Michelle. I really enjoyed it.

So for those of you listening, you may find yourself in a place where you can't even imagine comforting others because of your own devastation.I understand. I felt that way too. In the beginning, it feels like it'll never get better. But I love what Veronica shared about only being in the storm for as long as you allow yourself to be. That's wisdom.She learned that lesson by walking through the pain and then making the decision to keep walking with God as her sword strength. If you don't feel like you have God to lean on, I get that too. I felt like that at one point in my life. But it's as easy as asking him to be with you right now. And he'll be there. Many of my guests have shared their stories of faith and often say, I don't know how people do it that don't have faith in God. And I agree. It's the hard way. You don't need to take that road. Call out to God today, my friend. He understands your pain, and he'll come alongside you in the midst of it, like no one else can. Thanks for listening