Losing my daughter and gaining an eternal perspective

Well, hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. As a parent who's lost a child, I think I can safely say it's not something that you ever really recover from. Every bereaved parent I've ever met, has had something unique and valuable to share with me about their grief. And all of them have concluded that the pain never completely goes away. But it does soften as the years pass. And as you know, on this show, I want to introduce you to people who have learned lessons in their loss, and who want to pass them along to you. They found purpose in their pain, and they're passionate about helping others with their experience. Well, my guest today is one of those people. She too is a mom who's lost a child, a daughter at the young age of only 24. And since that time, she's travelled an emotional road, but one filled with a newfound knowledge and faith. And 30 years after the passing of her daughter, she decided to write a book that captures her story. And in addition to being an author, she's a mother, a grandmother, and an accomplished entrepreneur, in business and creative arts. Her name is Carol Sluski, and it's my pleasure to have her as my guest today on the show. Welcome to Qualified Carole.

Oh, thanks so much for having me on. Michelle. I'm greatly honored.

Thank you. Me, too. Carole, your daughter, Paula passed away suddenly at the age of 24. Can you tell us what happened on March 19 1992, and your immediate reaction and

the morning of March 19. What I did not know was that my response? daughter was in an emergency room at a hospital literally dying. And there was no way that they could contact me at that time because no one there at the hospital had my phone number call ahead. But she never called me before she went to the emergency room. And I didn't find out until about 7am March 19. I got a phone call from the doctor from the emergency room. I became totally in shock. I had even trouble relating to him. I couldn't I couldn't ask him questions. It was like nothing would come out of my mouth. I just listened. And he kept on going on and on about my daughter's condition that she had a pulmonary embolism, a blood clot to the lungs. That stopped her heart. And they operated on her. They took as much of the blood clots out and they put her on life support. There was so much at that time, I didn't know. And I didn't even know what to ask because I was totally in a place that I had never been before in my entire life. I got off the phone I called my husband Denny. And then when I was in the car going there, it was like I was crazy inside with emotion and I just wanted him to hurry. Hurry, hurry, hurry and get there. And he wasn't going faster though. That's what I remembered that he wasn't going fast enough. And I continued on, you know, getting to the hospital seen her. It was a big room and there were like four or five beds in there and they had like a tent around each bed. The nurse took me to hers, and she opened up the curtains and there was my daughter with all this equipment on her. And when I approached her, I looked at her I could barely see her blue eyes. She was totally Her eyes were dilated. Her chest was just going up and down with the equipment. And her chest was going in and out in and out. I'll tell you something, Michelle. I really truly felt that my daughter wasn't there. She wasn't alive. I did not feel her. When I got next to her. She was warm. I took her hands and I kissed them. Her body was warm. I looked at her eyes, there was just no life. But that's my conclusion. It's what I believe. What happened is that I believe my daughter was already dead. Yeah, she was gone. She wasn't coming back.

Yeah, I'm so sorry, Carole. And that must have been so difficult. Seeing Paula in that condition. sudden loss like we've both experienced can be so traumatic. It can feel like our lives just come to an abrupt stop at that moment. But the reality for you was that your life was actually supposed to be just beginning in some ways. You had wedding plans and a matter of weeks. So now what should have been a very happy time in your life was now overshadowed by the deepest sorrow you've ever known? What did you decide to do? And how were you able to function emotionally? Especially in your relationship with your new husband?

We continued on with those plans. We didn't change them when got married. But I'll tell you, as far as happiness goes, I remember flying on the airplane, looking at the clouds, wondering could Paula be there in the clouds? Yeah. Is she is she around me? There was no happiness, I found my life at that moment bittersweet. The bitter was my daughter's death. The sweet was that I love this good man. And I was married, just got married to him. And we were, you know, going to make our life together. And I had no idea. Anything beyond that how things were going to work out with him and me. Because something very, very big happened to me. And how could anyone ever understand how you feel? If they haven't gone through it? I never would have guessed in a million years. What that pain felt like,

yeah, I read in your book about how sensitive and understanding your husband Denny was at that time. So that had to be a blessing for sure. But I also thought it was interesting when you wrote, you knew that if you ever wanted to see your daughter again, that you too must go to heaven when you die. And then you said that you viewed this as one of your missions for the rest of your life on earth. What does that look like in your life today?

My daughter's death changed me. And it's not that I was a bad person or anything. I wasn't bad. I was a good mother and a good person and a good life. But it changed me to the point where I really started thinking of God, in a different way, I became much, much closer to the Lord. But I couldn't listen to regular music anymore. So I listened to all spiritual music. It's all spiritual. I listened to that for a long time, couldn't listen to the music of the day. You don't want to pop music and all the popular songs. I couldn't listen to any of that. And you know, just same thing with movies and that like my husband like to go to the movies. And this is the first year, second year third year that we were married. It took me a while to be able to go to the shelf to the theater and watch movies. I would go if it was spiritual. I had no trouble. It was like I was hungry. I think that's what the word I have to stress is that I was hungry for faith. I was hungry for God. I was hungry for Jesus. And I knew Yes, I did Michelle, I knew that if I was to see my daughter ever again. I had to go to heaven.

I totally get that. After Sean died, I had an eternal perspective. I wanted to know all about heaven. And I was also hungry to get my hands on literature, movies, and music that was deeply spiritual. And I just absorbed it and took it all in. Still do. You said you met a woman Marilyn on a plane right on your way home from a visit to see your other daughter Ellen. And that you to connect it on a spiritual level and you develop the lasting friendship with her. And after Paula died, you said you found it easier to talk to Marilyn than to your own mother. You said your mom didn't understand the depth of your emotion. What were some of the characteristics that Marilyn possessed that made her such an empathetic listener and friend?

the first thing that comes to my mind, Michelle is that Marilyn listened to me. She befriended me out she approached me she was my neighbor right next door to the past. center next to me. So I was required. And I started crying a little bit, because I was leaving my my oldest daughter behind. She was in Texas, and I was going back to Illinois, and I was missing her already. And so I started kind of crying. And she asked me what was wrong and I poured my heart out to her, she listened to me. That's what was the difference. She listened to me. And she didn't judge me. And I got the feeling from my mom, that she felt that I should have been at the hospital when Paula died. And so there might have been some guilt that my mom put me. And I didn't want to go there. I couldn't go there because I knew destroy me. Yeah, I wasn't at the hospital when she died when she had that embolism. And I paid my own price for that on my own guilt. I did not need my mom to kind of put that out there for me. Yeah, it took me years to even realize that's what was going on, to even admit him to see it. And that was also part of my healing.

Well, I'm glad you had Marilyn at that critical time in your life when your mom couldn't be present for you. I also had a Marilyn like that. Thank God. So you're grieving the loss of your daughter, you're starting a new life with a new husband. And you're also experiencing sort of a spiritual awakening because of it all? How would you describe your grief process in those days, given everything that was going on in your life?

There's just absolutely so many steps I had to take. In order to get better. It was not like a rush from one place to another, it was step by step by step. And then I would go backwards, I thought I was getting better. And then I would go backwards, and break down again and cry. You know, one mom said to me that she lost her son, and she said, Carole, it's like sometimes, like the ocean is coming up with a big, huge wave. And I see it coming towards me this big wave. And I'm so afraid that I don't want it to hit me. But it's common for me. She said, that's what it feels like when I think of my son be done. And you know what? Yes, I I could understand I related to that. It's like a wash. It's like, it's so powerful, this feeling that it's for real. That's what that feeling is really realize the that they are gone. And that's what I started to realize that she was really gone. It doesn't happen overnight. That's part of the acceptance is that you know, and if you don't have God in your life, I felt I What is the purpose of living?

Well, I'm glad that you did have God to hold you up and strengthen you at that time, because you had all those really hard milestones to walk through back then. One of them being Paula's wake, or viewing. And then the funeral following that. And you said you chose to see her body one last time in the casket. And that you talked to her and you told her how much you loved her. What was that experience like for you?

I knelt down to say my last goodbyes to her before they took her into the room and sealed the coffin. And they left me alone with her. Everybody left the room. There was Paula and it was me. I felt as though this veil, who was it was like a veil of clouds that just covered me and covered her. I was kneeling at her casket. And I I just felt I couldn't say goodbye to her. So I knew I had to. I had to see her and get to heaven. And I just knew I had to do whatever I had to do to be be the person I needed to be. If I didn't know how spiritual I needed to be. I was going to find out. I was going to find out.

Yeah, in those early days, you had no idea what was in store for you. But by now you know how this experience would make you a completely different person. But your path to that new place had some twists and turns of its own. And in your book, you talk about the physical and mental challenges you faced. And you said I knew I was on a lifelong journey of healing and that I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared of losing In my mind are having a heart attack or both. Tell us about that.

Well, I was born with a problem with my one knee. So I had to be careful as you know, I was in high school and everything in sports when that I didn't damage my knee. Paula died. March 19. In June, I had surgery, I had a knee replacement, what happened from March to June was amazing. Without me injuring my knee, my knee became so arthritic, it swelled up like a balloon. And I had to go to a specialist. And they did a knee replacement. That's how bad my knee became. Now, how could that happen from for two months and two months for I was walking fine. To I couldn't walk. And that's when I realized that I welcomed Now this may sound, you know, unbelievable, to other people that I would want to have surgery. But let me tell you something, I remember the feeling I thought is that I wanted the physical pain because I was so sick of the mental pain. It was like I wanted a break from the mental thing. So that was my first operation. One thing after another year, after a year, everyone thought I was doing fine. I was recovering, I was doing great. But somewhere inside of me, my body was breaking down. And the number of operations that I had, it was like you're up on top of the ladder. And that one step breaks below you. And then another and another and another. My spine was like that I have for back operations, and wound up having two knee replacements and a revision, however, still on the road of recovery, still on the road of getting stronger. I'm on the road of accepting among the road of accepting my problems, my illnesses. And how do I handle that I prayed on it. I prayed to God to help me through this. I prayed. And I prayed on everything. I became spiritual, because it helped me and it showed me a way to become happy again. And that's what I stress is you cannot give up. You have to keep going. And I'm so thankful I had a father who taught me when I was a little girl, he used to say you don't have three daughters and his girls. He said, All I can tell you is that if you don't believe in God, he said, it's not going to be an easy road, life is not going to be good or easy for you. He said, Trust in the Lord. He said don't take a risk. Put your faith in that there is a God and learn how to talk pray to Him, and learn how to be good to him.

Yeah, sounds like a wise man. Carole. In chapter three, you actually go into detail about your faith and you kind of examine everything and you said, if the death of my Paula brings one person to God, I've been a successful mother to my daughter here on earth. Why do you equate that choice with being a good mother?

Because I believe that my daughter has purpose on this earth, since she did not live the full long life. And she almost did die twice before. She had her last rites when she was 20 months old. So therefore, I came to my own conclusion that Paula was born to show me how to live a better life. Show me about God.

You know, there's a scripture in the bible in First Timothy chapter two. And it says that women will be saved through childbearing. And those words mean so many different things to different people. But an interpretation I read recently says, from the lessons learned through the trials of childbearing, women can develop qualities that teach them about love, trust and service. And I know that was true with me my son's birth and short 17 year life taught me things about love and trust and serving that I couldn't have learned any other way. Our children have much to teach us for sure.

I totally agree with you. All I know, Michelle is that she believed in God, my daughter was very spiritual. And she left that with me. She put God on my plate. And I knew I had no doubt in my mind that she was going to heaven. I know Paula was around, spiritually around me, many years after she died, I would get just a twinge of feeling of her. In that that is like the same feeling I get when the Holy Spirit comes into me and I, I get this good, wonderful, holy feeling of comfort, joy, and happiness and motivation. All of a sudden, artists fill up with motivations, like I painted a painting. And for the artists out there, you know, especially if you do watercolors, you paint the water, paper is all wet. So what do you do you go to bed that night, and the first thing you do is you run into your art room to look at that painting because it's dried. And then you see the magnificent work that you did. After the water evaporates off. Now you have painted left on paper. That's, that's the way I feel about life.

That's a beautiful illustration, Carole, and I'm sure there will be listeners that can really resonate with that artistic comparison. So Carole, you have shared so much with us today. And your experiences and words have been so deep and meaningful to me. You told us that your hunger for God, and all things spiritual sustained you during this time, and that you continue to live a life of strong faith for your continuous healing and future hope. You said you gained a new appreciation for relationships with those who exhibit empathy, love, and kindness. And you strive to also be that friend for others, you recognize that grief can come in waves, and that when the emotions come, you can embrace them and still move forward. You shared about the faith of your father, and how his example was key to your own love for God. You talked about your own physical adversity, and helped us to understand the impact of grief in our minds and bodies. You realize that while raising children would seem to be a teaching role for us as parents, that our children also play a role in our own education about the more important and greater things in this life. Carole, what other lessons have you learned from the loss of your daughte Can you share with someone listening right now who needs help?

Well, I really again, want to thank you for letting me have this opportunity. Because I'm going to tell your audience this to moms and dads. Don't give up. Be strong. Learn how to be strong. If you're not strong, learn, pray for it. Ask God to help you get get strong. Because if you get strong, everything else around you is going to be better. Don't forget, you may have more children, you could have a family right now to take care of you've got to look in and see what you need to do this positive, not just for yourself, but for the other people around you. And that is going to make you happy. That's a painting you're doing. Because you're going to look at it down the road years later, you're gonna look at your what you've done what you've created. And that could be that could be your children growing up the other ones left. Or there could be helping other people you look at their lives, how they turned out and you say, Well, I was part of that. I was part of helping them. And I think that's why I'm here. I want to help. I want to help and give you face give you hope. I can give you faith to kind of find your own faith, but I can give you as a whole that there's faith. If you pray. Yeah, life is worth living. Yes, I am happy and I'm happy to be here alive. Being able to tell the moms and dads or anyone that has lost anyone but really love and your hearts broken. Trust me. Broken Hearts are for real. We may never get them back as they once were but they they're amendable you can manage them and to my heart's put back together. And I have so much to be thankful for right now for today. Just living in and being able to share Air and be good people. Just people that in general that I just need, you know, I really do love life. And I appreciate life, I really do. I just appreciate it. I thank God that I think that I believe, I believe in him.

I'm so happy that your heart is mended back together. And that you're not only finding your own joy in life again, but that you're helping other people find theirs. Is there anything else you want to add that I may have failed to ask you?

There's probably one thing that's so important that, that. And that's dealing with your immediate family, you know, brothers and sisters, because what you really want, you want them to really understand that you need their support. It's like, sometimes they can't give it to you, because they don't know what you're really going through. And that's why, you know, for example, Michelle, that's why what you're doing is important, because you're educating other people, not just parents, but also people that listen to your podcast that, you know, just paying the or talk and about it's real. It's real. So for everybody else, be gentle with us. No, we're not going to get over losing our child. I'm going to love her, miss her forever, until I'm with her in heaven.

Yeah, it can be hard for some family members. So thanks again for those words of wisdom. So with that said, I want listeners to know that if you want to get a copy of Carol's book called 30, I'll post a link in the show notes to make it easy to find. Carol, thanks so much for coming on the show today, and for sharing Paula's story, and your healing transformation.

Oh, thanks for having me and I, I probably have been able to even heal a little bit more today.

That's very good. I'm happy to hear that. Thank you. So for those of you listening, I hope you found some pearls of wisdom in Carole's story. In our deepest moments of sorrow and grief. We can also realize some of the most profound lessons about love and life. Carole leaned into the pain and chose to spend a final few moments with Paula and experienced a spiritual awakening that would change her life going forward. And she concluded that her daughter's purpose in her short life was to lead her to God. And she would take that leading and run with it. That's my hope for you today that you would be moved to embrace faith in your loss, that you would take the first step to developing a relationship with God today and reach out to Him in prayer. And as your faith builds, I pray that those waves of grief that Carole talked about will be fewer and further apart for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you want to chat or drop me a note in the comments. My contact information is there on my website at callmequalified.com Hang in there my friend. Thanks for listening